Huffington Post | Parents – Adriana Sorgi
It is never too late to be a better parent. The best gift you can give your children is to do your inner work, to release the patterns that haven’t worked up until now and take a different direction — a direction more productive and more conducive to creating harmony with the whole family.
You can always course-correct from what has happened in the past by creating a healthier dynamic that contributes to the happiness of your whole family.
Remember that your children learn by example. If you want to see change in them, you must be that change, and you can start today.
As a single mother of two, I have been through many ups and downs with my own children. It’s been challenging, sometimes chaotic, frustrating and nerve-wracking to say the least.
I have tried many things to improve our communication, read many books about parenting, and implemented tools that I learned throughout my career as a life coach. All these — only to realize that, despite all my efforts, things were not getting better.
What more could I do, I wondered, in order to have the peace and harmony I was seeking so desperately? Every night, I would find myself completely drained and angry at my kids, waiting anxiously for them to go to sleep so I could have some silence and alone time. I was not enjoying the ride. I kept asking myself, what was I doing that was blocking the harmony?
Finally, I figured it out. I was trying too hard! I was being a control freak. And the more I tried to make things go my way, the more my kids would do things their way!
What I came to realize was that I had to let go of control and instead make my children a part of my team. I had been separating them from me by putting myself in a position where I was dictating orders “from on high” rather than creating healthy boundaries along with them.
Here is a good trick — remember hearing as a child, “My house, my rules”? How about reframing that into: “Our house, our rules”?
This doesn’t mean you give up your authority as a parent. Rather, it means that when the house rules are created and agreed on by everyone, there is no excuse for not following through. Your kids can clearly see what they ought to be doing, because everyone participated in the creation of the rules.
So you can start implementing these new tools in your home right away, I have created a five-point approach that will support you.
1. Create a mission statement.
This can be such a fun activity. Get a whiteboard and several colored markers, then gather the whole family in a place that is comfortable and has good energy. Ask your children one by one what is important for them. What makes them want to come home?
Write down all their thoughts and desires on a piece of paper first. Read them aloud together, and you’re likely to find that everyone wants some of the same things. By doing this, you are creating your relevant family values.
Now, here’s the fun part! Put the collective list up on the whiteboard. Let your children do it by going up to the board — or perhaps pass the board around and have each child participate by writing something.
You will be experiencing true teamwork!
Finally, put the board up in a place that is readily visible. That way you can refer to it whenever someone may need a reminder.
2. Respond versus reacting.
We all have the power to choose how to respond to a situation. As parents, we can easily get irritated and impatient while juggling so many things at the same time. But when we are reactive, we immediately create distance between us and our children.
By “reacting,” I am referring to yelling orders, lecturing and using corporal punishment. Such behavior contributes to a dysfunctional family dynamic. Children don’t respond well — they tend to exhibit unhealthy responses like shutting down or becoming angry. These children can grow up to be wounded adults with a lot of emotional issues.
Responding, on the other hand, means taking 100 percent responsibility for yourself and choosing to rise above the problem. You choose to have a dialogue with your children; you listen and respect their feelings without judging them. You set a tone of respect in service to re-connecting with them.
We model good behavior when we respond kindly but firmly. In that way, we set healthy boundaries and follow through. Trust me! Your children will respect you more.
by MindMake via MindMake Blog
No comments:
Post a Comment